Q&A with Nicholas Baker

Q: [Give us] a sense of who you are, how you ended up at Renew - how did you end up where you are today?

Nick: I grew up in New Jersey and I went to college in South Carolina. I graduated there in 2013. I didn't really know what I wanted to do. So I ended up moving back in with my parents in New Jersey and working in an insurance sales job, which I wasn't overly fond of. At that time, my grandfather (he lives in Berkeley, California) was going through open heart surgery, and I never really spent much time in California. I thought tech was a cool space that I wanted to break into. So ended up living with him for a couple of months, helping him out and then trying to get a job in tech.

I didn't initially get a job in tech, but I had a friend who got me a job in commercial insurance. So I did that for a couple of years, and then I got a sales job at a technology startup back in 2016 in between San Francisco and Berkeley and was there for about seven years. I lived with my grandfather on and off, which was really great, getting to know him while I was in San Francisco.

I wasn't attending a church, really, and just wasn't walking very closely with the Lord. I was raised a Christian, but would just pray when I needed something. I wasn't going to church, wasn't reading the Bible, wasn't really walking in the light.

I got this new job and I went to a work conference where Pat Gelsinger, the CEO of Intel, spoke. I didn't know this going in, but he is a devout Christian. This was back in 2019, where I started to slow down and not go out as much and start prioritizing what mattered. I heard him speak, read his book, and then started to get more into reading the Bible.

My mom had gotten me a daily devotional bible a while ago. I finally dusted that off and cracked it open. I wasn't regularly attending church, but started to go to a church, and I sat a little bit like, didn't say hi to anyone really made like one or two friends, but wasn't really partaking in it. And then 2020, I started this job I'm currently at. It's based out of L.A., moved down to L.A. the day before the shutdown.

It was May 15th. And at that point, I was like watching church online. I was still looking for the church, and knew I wanted to join a church here, but everything was shut down. So like for me to watch virtually might as well watch the church that I like and hear the pastor speak. And after four months of living in L.A. with everything shut down, I was like, "I'm just going to go back and live with my grandfather so I don't need to pay rent, and everything's remote anyway."

I went back to Berkeley and then tried a couple of churches I didn't really vibe with. At that point it was September of 2020. Some personal stuff was starting to get fired up again and everything was shut down again for that winter.

But I asked my friend "do you know any churches in the Berkeley area? And she was like, Oh, this guy Ray, I think he's doing a church plant. And so I googled the church and it was right next to my grandfather's house. I was like "Lord, this is a sign."

Yeah, that was mostly virtual, but I met Ray, and it was my first time meeting a pastor and getting to know him and asking him questions. He was someone I really respected and he's still a mentor. I talk with him often.

But besides my mother, I didn't really know many people of faith. And so it was really missing out on that fellowship aspect and like not having good sounding boards. I mean, you have your mom, but that's a biased source.

So it was great, even though it was virtual. I was meeting more Christians and building a community, albeit a virtual and small one. But was helping Ray out because it was like a church plant. And then fortunately or unfortunately, I came back down to L.A. April 2021.

Things were starting to open up more again, and I tried out a couple of churches in the Culver City area. That's where I live and starting with the ones that were in close proximity. The couple of churches that I went to there just were not a ton of young people, not diverse, and didn't feel like home.

And then in June or July, I saw that they were doing in-person services in the parking lot. And as soon as I walked in, like the worship team was cranking out a "Waymaker."

I was like, "wow, this is awesome. And I really felt God saying, "this is your spot." And then immediately got connected and then joined Sithy's home group in the fall. And I'm getting more and more involved.

Q: You mentioned that you'd grown up Christian, but then there was kind of a period where you weren't as engaged. What do you attribute that to? Is there a specific moment you can recall where things just clicked? Or that light bulb moment where you were like, Man, I really missed this?

Nick: Yeah. So my mom is a born again Christian. My father is not. My father is an alcoholic. And you know, that's not his identity. But it was tough growing up, and she definitely relied on the church and the Lord to get through a lot of tough times. When I was younger, it was more like getting dragged to church than really wanting to go, but I understood the gospel. You know, Jesus paid our debts and it's only through Him that we can get to the Father and salvation.

But then in high school, I went to an Episcopal school, so we had chapel two times a week and belted out the hymns, and it was a bit more formal than fostering a relationship with the Lord. And so I was always exposed to it. It's not like we had formal Bible studies, and you're just up to a lot of shenanigans in high school.

And that's when I started drinking and getting into some other drugs. And obviously that puts a cloud on your relationship.

In college, my parents were going through a separation and I think I was just a little lost and didn't have a lot of people to talk to.

I wasn't close with my brothers, but I was very close with all of my high school friends, a lot of whom I went to college with and partied with, and it was just a big part of our lives. I didn't have any Christian mentors or friends who could help guide me per se.

Like, oftentimes I would pray at night, like crying and like because I knew I wasn't walking with the Lord, but I didn't really act upon it. And that went on throughout college and a lot of post-college for, I don't know, three or four years.

I remember I went to a workshop where they had a bunch of cards, and you have to prioritize what's most important in your life. If your actions aren't dictating what's actually important to you, you're going to have conflict. And I remember there was a "Faith and God" card. And even though I was attending church, what became the most important card to me were things like health and success and all of that.

And I think that helped me realize God should be my ultimate priority, but wasn't actually living that way. Like I mentioned, I was able to live with my grandfather and get out of the city and not see my friends as much. Just getting older, partying was losing its appeal. I wasn't where I wanted to be in my career, or where I wanted to be from a health standpoint.

In 2019, that speech [by Pat Gelsinger] was another light bulb like, "oh, I should get more into [my faith]. And it's been a pretty steady increase. And now I feel much happier and I'm super excited about my thirties. With the prodigal son parable, I feel much more like the younger son and identify much more with the woman who poured out the perfume on Jesus and wept at his feet.

I'm glad that I'm forgiven and can move forward. So I know what it's like to be in a dark place, and I really feel the gospel and I'm loving the good news.

Q: When you first joined the home group, what felt different about that? What did you feel like the biggest asset of being part of something like [Renew] is?

Nick: Joining the home group and the first day we all went around and gave our story. I'm like, "oh man, I wonder if people are going to think I'm awful or judge me. I'm probably going to be like the worst person in this whole group." And everyone was just very transparent with their stories and backgrounds. The analogy I'd use is the church should be like a hospital where like everyone is trying to get better and no one is trying to be just righteous and pretend like nothing is wrong and life is good.

So I think the level of transparency and no one judging whatsoever immediately allowed everyone to be in a safe space and want to come back.

These people will be supportive, will hold you accountable and love you regardless of what you do, and you can be honest with them.

I also like the level of diversity with different upbringings. And, you know, L.A. is a great place for that. We're like, I didn't want to be with a bunch of people with my background and like, you know, so that was really awesome. And then pretty quickly, we moved into EHS (Emotionally Healthy Spirituality) which used a book and was more guided.

It was pretty intense and a lot of people shared things that you wouldn't have guessed. We got pretty deep and so real quickly. Our whole group really feels like a family. I know I can reach out to any of them for anything I need. So that's been really great. And it's awesome going to church on Sundays and hearing the sermon, but a lot of times you'll just go on living your life and then, you know, the next sermon comes and it's hard to apply it. But having a small group that you're not only meeting with once a week but also fellowship with really allows you to to build your faith.

Q: Was there a [particular] moment where you really felt like seen or heard or valued in your home group?

Nick: So at one point in EHS, there was a section called The Wall, where we've all hit walls in our lives. I tried to break through and a lot of the group members shared some really deep and personal things. And for me, I became in debt in college for illegal activities. That was part of the reason why I was crying every night to the Lord.

I had dug myself in a deep hole, had lied to my mom about it, and had never told her the truth. And this happened when I was 19. I'm 30 now, and I've been carrying this burden for 11 years. I knew I always wanted to tell her, but I wasn't sure when the right time would be, and told that to my home group.

And they were all super supportive.

I think that helped give me the courage to actually confront my mom, and she was extremely loving.

Well, I'm really glad I did it, and I'm not sure if I would have done it if I hadn't had the support of the home group. And then immediately after, I was overjoyed and just wanted to tell the whole group. I knew that they would all be really excited. So that moment stands out as that. Without that support, I'm not sure I would have had the courage to actually confront my mom.

Q: What was that burden that you were carrying? Why were you ashamed or afraid to tell your mom? What was the biggest baggage attached to that, and why did you feel like you had to keep it locked in?

Nick: Yeah. So it was my sophomore year in college and I was selling marijuana to a lot of my close friends in college. And at that time, I had some friends in Colorado who would ship me weed to sell essentially, and my mom would help out with my rent. But they would wire me like money, and then I would write a check to the landlord. That's how I was supposed to go.

Some shipments got seized, and it was like a couple thousand dollars worth and instead of paying my rent, that's where the money went. I didn't know what to do, but I was young and stupid, clearly. I just thought it would go unnoticed by the landlord and it actually did for nine months or so.

And then towards the end of our lease there, he was like "there must be a problem, we haven't received any of Nick's money." And at that time, I was with five different of my close friends from high school. And so they all knew that like I hadn't been paying and it got pretty ugly. And I actually just lied to their parents and to my mom and hoped that they would believe me and that the landlord would relent.

I was getting on the phone with all of my close friends' parents and lying to them and continuously lying to my mom because I was afraid that if I told her the truth, she would have removed me from college for an amount of time, and I wouldn't see all of my friends and all of that. And that's why I'm here and she and my dad were separated – not on good terms.

And so, I needed to talk to my dad about any of this and he was just unwilling to hear any of it. So it was really stressful for my mom. And what ended up happening is she had a friend who covered four or five thousand dollars and wrote a check. We gave that to the landlord to get them, you know, to settle up, essentially, because then all of my roommates were able to move out and my roommates were pretty quick to forgive.

I ended up confessing to their parents, and all of them were fine with it, like they didn't really care. But I could never muster up the courage to tell my mom just because I thought it would be devastating to her. And then after that I didn't lie to them or to my mom much. But it was just like this burden that I had been carrying.

And a couple of times, she'd be like "oh Nick, you always tell the truth," and that just really stung knowing that I was hiding this from her. So she was the last one that essentially found out that I had lied about this.

And I thought I wasn't really sure how she would respond, but [when I told her] she was like, "oh, that was so long ago. I feel like I've forgotten about that. But I'm really glad you told me. Honestly I thought it was something worse when you said we needed to talk."

So it's all good and well, yeah, and we had a good conversation about what was going on with me during that time. And I think she felt a little bad because like this strain of my parents relationship probably influenced some of that behavior.

Q: Going off that theme of being empowered by community, how has that shaped your faith going forward?

Nick: Yeah. So. I have, you know, a lot of those friends from college and high school here. They're nonbelievers, but they're good people, and I love them dearly, but a lot of their coming together is still heavily influenced by drugs and alcohol and living in the fast lane. Always trying to grind in L.A. to make more money or, you know, attain something that they don't have.

And if you're just, you know, surrounding yourself with those people like you start having those same desires and you don't love unconditionally. With that mindset, it's all about me, me, me. And you know, you're never going to be able to attain peace because you're never going to have enough.

With joining the Renew community and just hanging out with fellow believers, you really experience that unconditional love where it doesn't matter who you are or what you do. It just matters that you're loving and you love the Lord. And I've seen my priorities really change where I want to serve our God and help bring His Kingdom on Earth. He's blessed me with certain skills.

And like now, my initiatives are like, you know, one day lead a small group and like, memorize more scripture, and like Pastor Dihan said, love more. And what does that look like and how do we measure it?

I get much more satisfaction now out of helping others and serving the Lord instead of, like personal gain or materials.

And so I'm really shaped like how I spend my weekends and how I spend my time and what I think about. And obviously at work, it's like, "oh man, I could make a bunch of money off this or I could do that."

But then it brings me back to like, this is all the Lord's doing. And even if it doesn't go well, I'm still going to be just as happy as if it did. And that relieves anxiety, just knowing that God's got you and like if he gives even to the birds, how much more does he love us?